I'll Never Know
by WingedFlight
Summary: Edmund sits in the linen closet and contemplates Aslan's sacrifice. Songfic - Here I am to Worship


_**A/N: **This is a songfic based on the song "Here I am to Worship" by originally written and recorded by _Tim Hughes_ although many artists have created their own versions. I strongly recommend listening to it first if you don't know how it goes, just because the melody of the song has so much emotion, and also because I've put the lyrics in a slightly different order in places. _

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Edmund is sitting at the bottom of a linen closet, his eyes red from tears, though no more fall. He is remembering – remembering a time when he was not king of Narnia, not even a prince, but a traitor. He is remembering a time when he was prisoner to his own desired – his selfish, greedy desires, when none mattered to him but himself.

_Light of the world,  
__You stepped down into darkness._

Edmund is wondering what Aslan had seen in him then. How had He seen all the way through the muck and mire of Edmund's heart to that solitary seed of decency? Edmund knows how long and hard it had been to cover the seed, how much time it had taken to convince himself it wasn't there so he could do what he'd liked. Edmund had called it freedom – freedom from rules and regulations and the morality that binds the normal man. But now he sees that it was not freedom, but that as he covered the seed in the garbage, he had been casting himself in chains. And so Edmund wonders, how did Aslan know to look beneath the dirt and the darkness and the chains to that tiny seed?

_Opened my eyes, let me see._

And how had He known how to show Edmund that what he was doing was wrong? Edmund knows that without Aslan's light he would never have found his way out of the darkness. Aslan had lifted the chains, and in the process, had opened Edmunds eyes for the first time.

_Beauty that made this heart adore You._

Oh, how dirty Edmund had felt when he saw himself clearly for the first time! It was like he was covered in mud – only this mud, he couldn't wash off by himself. It had taken Aslan to clean him, to wipe him clean through his sacrifice. But even as He did so, Edmund had known, and still knew that he could never be as clean or as beautiful as the Lion.

_Hope of a life spent with You._

But when Edmund heard Aslan speak, on that cliff the night before Aslan's – before the battle, he had felt hope again. Edmund wishes he could remember the words Aslan had spoken – words that nestled near Edmund's heart in feeling rather than memory. But he remembers the thoughts and realisations that he was forgiven – _truly_ forgiven – and that no matter what happened, Aslan would love him and be near him forevermore.

_So here I am to worship  
__Here I am to bow down  
__Here I am to say that You're my God._

Edmund wishes Aslan were here now, this very minute, that he may throw himself at His feet. The feelings in his heart are overwhelming, and Edmund is filled with wonder, sweet wonder at Aslan's love and forgiveness. He wants to climb to the highest tower, throw open the window and proclaim that Aslan is King! And then add, in an awe-filled whisper, that His forgiveness is everlasting, and His love can never be broken. But instead, Edmund sits in the linen closet and does not move, for he is not yet finished reflecting.

_I'll never know how much it cost  
__To see my sin upon the cross_

It had only been earlier today that Edmund learned of Aslan's sacrifice. Before he had been saved, Edmund could never have imagined the importance of such a deed – and he could never have imagined why anyone would do such a thing. But now, when he closes his eyes, he can picture Aslan's beautiful body dead on the Stone Table, and he knows why. He can see the muck of his heart piled on Aslan's body. And seeing this, Edmund feels sick, terribly, horribly sick and he has to swallow violently before the contents of his stomach empty over the floor.

_I'll never know how much it cost  
__To see my sin upon the cross_

Edmund can't imagine why Aslan would go through such terrible pain and sacrifice for _him_. Edmund is nothing – Aslan is everything. Why should _He_ have to die? Finally, now, Edmund understands the weightless feeling he has had – the absence of his sins. It makes him want to sing. It makes him want to cry.

"Edmund?" The door opens a crack to admit Lucy, resplendent in a floor-length gown. "May I come in?"

_I'll never know how much it cost  
__To see my sin upon that cross_

Edmund wishes to tell her to go away; he also wants her to stay. When he says nothing, Lucy slips in, pulling the closet door closed, and finds a place in the limited room on the floor where she can cuddle up against Edmund.

"I saw His eyes when it happened," Lucy whispers, instinctively knowing what Edmund is thinking. "They were full of love. He knew what He was doing." She pauses.

"Yes," says Edmund miserably, "but why did He do it for me?"

_I'll never know how much it cost  
__To see my sin upon that cross_

"When I looked into His eyes," Lucy continues, "I got the feeling that He did it just for you, because He loves you… and yet, if it had not been for you, it would have been for someone else; maybe me, or Peter or Susan, or Mr. Tumnus, or the Beavers, or… anyone. He died for you, but at the same time, I believe He died for us all."

_So here I am to worship  
__Here I am to bow down  
__Here I am to say that you're my God_

It takes some time for Lucy's words to sink in. Edmund just sits, and Lucy snuggles against him as He thinks. _He died for us all. _The words spin in Edmund's mind, lifting his heart.

_You're altogether lovely  
__Altogether worthy  
__Altogether wonderful to me_

Now Edmund begins to feel better. He still can't quite comprehend why the Lion died for him, but such comprehension seems beyond the mind of mortals. And now it seems enough, somehow, just to know that he has been forgiven, and that Aslan's love for him will never fade. So Edmund clasps Lucy's hand, there on the floor of the linen closet, and his heart sings as his eyes cry.

_So here I am to worship  
__Here I am to bow down  
__Here I am to say that You're my God  
__You're altogether lovely  
__Altogether worthy  
__Altogether wonderful to me_

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__Please review!_


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